Do not quit your day job

Nov 29, 2011 Begin the Rant    Bad website filed under: Duds, Pipe Bombs

Web Bombs Bad Website:

I’d love to have a conversation with these people. It would go something like this.

Let’s play a game. It’s called “I want a website.” You with me? Awesome! Okay. Here’s how it works:

  1. First, you think up a name or brand. This should be in your domain name, by the way, and try to make it a bit memorable. Colors and a logo would be good too.
  2. Then, you decide what your goals are: selling something, driving leads or visitors for an existing business? How about just something informational so your customers can keep up with you? Still with me? Good.
  3. Now you need to decide how your site will help you achieve those goals. How will it make you more successful? Alright, almost home now…
  4. Million dollar question: do you have any idea how to make a site that does what you need it to? At all? Maybe even a little bit? No? Okay, but can you explain to someone else what you want? Yes! Now we’re getting somewhere.

Hold on a second… This isn’t a game. It’s not even fun! That sounds fun? Maybe you’re not taking this seriously enough. Why are you trying to make your own site?

Case in point: this is not only a time warp back to web 1.0, it’s also doing a whole lot of nothing for you. You’re clearly just a woodsy artist who figured you could toss it together since you took a class in HTML at a community college when you were “between jobs,” right before you decided to just say ‘screw you’ to the corporate machine and do something you really loved instead. Way to stick it to the man. Now, I hate to break it to you, but your wood furniture is not well represented on this site. In fact, it makes you look like an amateur. Even if I needed a cat tree, I would not buy it from you. Want me to tell you why? Because the only reason I read the page was to laugh at it. Who still centers all the elements on a page? And the color palette? Okay, I get that it’s all green and blue because you’re a hippy, but it looks terrible. And what is that? You’re a member of a web-ring? They still HAVE those? Oh. My. God. Wow, I like your “links” section too. That REALLY takes me back. People used to use their websites as a springboard for their own political and psychological ideologies back in the day until they realized nobody else wants to see and hear about it. And this is a business page, too! What were you thinking? Oh yeah, the web is global, man… Maybe you’ll make the world a better place. You make wood furniture, dude. Seriously. And it sucks. George Nakashima you are not. I just can’t spare a single fuck to give about this page.

Think I’m being too harsh? Am I? Think about it. This page is so static and rough that I’m positive it’s not making you money. Take a look at your traffic patterns and see how many people are visiting. Oh wait, your only analytics are probably a hit counter, right? Oh, right. There isn’t even one of those. Ah ha! While I was looking for that non-existent counter I see that your page was last updated in 2 thousand fucking 6! No wonder it looks the way it does.

Why bother? Really? Maybe you actually did something right back then and purchased a long term hosting package and just never bothered to shut it down? Do the web a favor and do not renew it. Or better yet, hire a professional to actually make it something useful. This is why web 2.0 happened in the first place. Get with it or shut the hell up.

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